i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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