Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
