can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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