Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
