sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
