I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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