Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
