i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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