and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
