They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
