if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
