I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
