forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
