I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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