haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
