please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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