i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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