My room smells like vodka and shame
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
