It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
