Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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