shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
