omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
