I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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