matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
