Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
