You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
