true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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