My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
