i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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