i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
