he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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