When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
