Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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