I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
