i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i came on her dog
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
