This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
