and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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