I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Jerry, you need to find god
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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