had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
