Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
