ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I pour the whiskey from now on
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
