I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
