We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You took a bar mat shot.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
