So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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