My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
