did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Randomize