People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
