just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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