I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
