and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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