don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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