i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish life had little blips of pornography
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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