The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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