Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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