Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
