why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
