The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
