Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
