farters have to be the big spoon...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
