I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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