I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
