after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
