im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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