Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
